_____  

Je connais mon alphabet  

Despite my creative license during this column, you can only change this card's name to the name of another printed Magic card. No changing it to "Quizzically Perplexed Jive-Talking Lhurgoyf" or "Mr. Wigglesbottom."

Blankety-Blank

Scott Johns: “But this column doesn't do anything!”
Mark: “No—It does nothing.”

That's right, kids. In the immortal tradition of Seinfeld, today's column is about nothing. Well, sometimes it's about Kjeldoran Phalanx. And sometimes it's about Form of the Dragon. And sometimes it's about Accumulated Knowledge. And sometimes it's about the mating dance of the common wombat (no, wait, that was last month). Occasionally Aaron Forsythe will burst through my front door in a goofy manner and mooch something from my fridge. Fun times.

Nothing gets a bad rap. What's so awful about the absence of all things? Are you telling me you wouldn't enjoy a leisurely vacation in the murky depths of space? Are you??? I imagine it would be quite relaxing—No deadlines, no email, no oxygen. Aaahhh. The concept of nothing more commonly denotes not the absence of everything—just the absence of whatever it is you're looking for at the time. For example, I may complain that my refrigerator has nothing in it, but it's not empty by any means. And if you don't believe me, just ask the sentient clump of mold that lives behind the black goop and the thing that used to be a tomato.

Nothing to Worry About

What all this is getting to is the card sound effect of very loud silence. Um, the card One of the most obvious uses for _____ is to combo it with one of its Unhinged comrades, Now I Know My ABC's. Put these two together and you're just about halfway to anywhere you want to go.

“Rules” corner: Despite my creative license during this column, you can only change this card's name to the name of another printed Magic card. No changing it to “Quizzically Perplexed Jive-Talking Lhurgoyf” or “Mr. Wigglesbottom.”

Paul Barclay, all rumors to the contrary, actually does know his ABC's, so he spent some time coming up with winning board conditions. Some of his suggestions:

Now I Know My ABC's + Kjeldoran Phalanx + Venomous Dragonfly + Quirion Trailblazer

Now I Know My ABC's + Kjeldoran Outpost + Vizzerdrix + Questing Phelddagrif

Now I Know My ABC's + Teferi's Puzzle Box + Jhovall Queen + Erg Raiders (or any of over 600 other cards which include a D and G)

Neat. He also noted the tremendous alphabetical usefulness of Alexi, Zephyr Mage. The first thing to note here is that in order to win with Now I Know My ABC's, Now I Know My ABC's must be in play, and that automatically knocks out some tricky letters like K and W. The second thing to note is that in order to win with Now I Know My ABC's, you're playing with Unhinged cards, so Titleless Joe is legal in your format. It's the same color as Now I Know My ABC's, it only costs two mana (as opposed to Vizzerdrix, Kjeldoran Phalanx, and Jhovall Queen), and it's extremely flexible.

What to do with the rest of the deck? My first solution was to throw all of Paul's suggestions together. Except for the easily replaceable Erg Raiders, all of the cards were white, blue, or green. But too many cards were too expensive, and I began cutting. I also started taking the lands into account. My first move was to use lands that included D and G to replace Erg Raiders. That way, Now I Know My ABC's, Teferi's Puzzle Box, Jhovall Queen, and a land would give me a win. I eventually refined that strategy: What if every land in the deck contained the same specific reasonably obscure letter? If every single land had a V in it, I could ignore V completely in my nonland permanents! Thanks to the snow-covered lands, it wasn't that hard to do.



The deck has a number of four-card (plus a land) victory conditions, as well as these three-card (plus a more specific land) victory conditions:

“Rules” corner: The ability doesn't wear off. Once you change its name, it will keep the new name until you change its name again. It won't go back to [nothing].

Now I Know My ABC's + Alexi, Zephyr Mage + Jeweled Torque + Snow-Covered Forest or Faerie Conclave

Now I Know My ABC's + Teferi's Puzzle Box + Jeweled Torque + Havenwood Battleground or Rushwood Grove

Captain Indecisive can only make things easier.